OK...maybe not!

So...there was a snow storm here on Thursday..so I was unable to see J and have the conversation with him.  Since that night...he has said a few things that confuse my confidence in this decision.  He has bought a devotional book for us to read together.  He went to a Christina business men's lunch on Thursday and spent 15 minutes in silent prayer that evening.  And yesterday he asked me some good questions about confession and why priests can't reveal if they hear about a heinous crime.  Also, after Mass yesterday I asked if he believed if Jesus was in the tabernacle.  He responded that since Jesus is everywhere it isn't hard for him to believe that he is in the tabernacle.  So, I asked if he could perhaps start bowing or something when in church.  He was surprised that you didn't have to be Catholic to do this and said he would from then on.  Maybe in my slowness, I've still been too hasty.  I might still bring up religion and our relationship next time I see him and see how that conversation goes.  It still could go rather poorly and end in us breaking up....but I'm not as nervous as I was before.

The end is near

I've done a lot of praying and consulting with friends over the past month and I think it just comes down to the fact that I don't think I can marry J without hope that he would ever convert.  And I don't see how he would get to that place if he doesn't even try to grow in his own faith besides going to service once a week.  Also this summer he even seemed hesitant about always going to church with me and the kids every week...especially when it came time for high school.  I feel I would be pressuring him to do things like that.  I think I would try to gently prod him...and eventually it would seem like nagging as it has in the past.  I don't feel as torn anymore.  It is just the feeling that I will really miss my best friend....and disappointment because he was so close to perfect.  It makes me worry that I am so picky that I won't ever find anyone and that I'll be alone forever.  <sigh>  Someday I'll be happier on this blog!  I keep asking God to let me keep him longer.  Like today....here I am praying for a snow storm strong enough that I don't have to go there tonight and break up with him.  Funny enough...that seems to be happening. 

I just don't know....

So, since I am meeting with J's counselor today....I asked J last night if he was in a place where we could work on us.  He said yes, but didn't think we needed to work on us....just had to get to a place to deal with my folks.  I told him the whole religion thing was still big for me.  And, I'm pretty sure that it isn't just Catholic vs. Lutheran....I think it is the fact that he has barely any spiritual curiosity.  He is happy just going to service once a week.  He wanted to know why we had gotten back together if this was so big for me.  Well, I told him that the first year we were together he showed signs of that.  He asked questions about Catholicism (not a ton - but ever once in awhile), checked out Catholicism for Dummies from the library and read it without any suggestion from me, went on a retreat - after which we had a spectacular faith conversation.  Then it all stopped.  And gradually he didn't come to Mass with me anymore.  And he came to resent me wanting him to go to CCD just to learn more.  When I found out why we broke up (my parents disapproval), I thought that the J of the first year would reappear after a time.  And every time I try to prod him in that direction (I suggest something approximately once a month)...he gets defensive and doesn't seem to have interest.  During those conversations, he usually looks like he is about to do something to start...and then never follows through.  I told him that I feel like I just nag him about this - and it isn't like he enjoys it either.  He said it just isn't natural to him.  I had suggested about 3 weeks ago that we should do a little Bible reading together and discuss...and he thought that was a decent idea.  I left it up to him as to how we would do this....and I didn't hear anything.  I sent an e-mail reminder and....nothing.  He said last night that I should just decide how we would do it...and we'd try.  I told him how it wasn't something I enjoyed at first to listen to catholic radio in the car....but I did it cause I wanted that time to go to a better use than it was.  I actually like it now and listen about 50% of the time.  Same for reading catholic blogs....I had free time at work and I started to think 3 months ago that I should do something better with that time....now I really enjoy it.  Same with going to chapel at night.  It is all about making good habits in my life....I'm not perfect and I sometimes really drag my feet when it comes to this stuff....but I force myself because in the end I know it will take me closer to God.  I just don't know if I can go through life with someone that is content with where he is.  I mean, J is great....he goes out of his way for others and is very generous with his time....so he does live the faith....probably better than me.  He pointed this out to me last night.  Is that enough?  He said this summer the main reason he hasn't converted is because he wants to feel called to be Catholic.  I just realized in the last couple weeks....that saying that without even trying to learn about your own faith seems kind of empty.  Or maybe not?  I don't know.  All I know is that until I feel better about us...dealing with my folks will be impossible because I won't have the faith that I am fighting for the right thing.  We are both fighting against breaking up cause we desperately don't want to loose what we've built.  He really is amazing....I don't know what my problem is.  <sigh>

Still putting it off....

I know I need to start moving forward with J and I....but I keep putting it off cause I know it will either lead to us breaking up or a big confrontation with my folks.  And everyone is happy right now....<sigh>.  I'll move forward within the week...I promise myself!!

Time to start the churning again

So...it is has been 6 weeks since J's dad died.  So, I guess it is time to start working on whether we should get married again.  At least one of my big set backs is mostly gone.  I think we would have enough money buffer to allow me to be a stay-at-home mom.  Let you know how it goes!

Oh the tangled webs we weave...

J's Dad died last week.  He's taking it pretty well overall, but it is hard on him.  Plus the whole live-in-girlfriend situation is getting crazy.  She is pretty level-headed most of the time, but then out of the blue she'll start freaking out.  She wants them to sign something that says it will be a even 4-way split. 

I understand - cause she has been depended on J's Dad for about 8 years.  She's worried about how she is going to live.  But come on, she's 57....how does she not have her own savings or a job is beyond me.  Or, that she hasn't insisted that Michael (J's Dad), have a will that included her with their drinking and chain smoking ways is just insane to me.  J and siblings have been great to her overall...they are at their whits end after last week and multiple blow-ups...but she's gotta get another plan going...cause either way there is not going to be enough money to live out the rest of her days on.

Here's the last blow-up.  J's name is on one of his Dad's cars...so right now it is automatically his.  Kathy (the gf), wanted to be able to use it, so J wanted to see her insurance before he left.  She started freaking out asking why he was "doing this to her".  Finally they called the insurance company to only find out that her and her 19 year old son aren't insured on either of the cars!  In fact she is not supposed to be driving any car that has one of those breathizers on the ignition!!  So, J ended up locking the car and taking both sets of keys with him.  Not before she freaked out, eventually she became logical and understood that J just didn't want to be liable for the car if anything happened in the meantime.  However, she and her son are still driving the other car and J came to find out on Friday that the estate could be held liable if anything happened.  So now he is worried about that.  <sigh>

I went down to KC for the funeral and the day after.  It was a nice Catholic service including a rosary which I was surprised by!  I was one of 3 people actually able to say the whole thing, but nice nonetheless.  I even told my folks I was going there.  Mom took that well overall.  She just wanted to make sure I wouldn't get "lured back in".  To be honest, our relationship junk has been on hold since the cardiac arrest, I have a hard time even worrying about that right now....hopefully things calm down in the next couple weeks so I can start concentrating on that again. 

J's Bad News

His Dad suffered a cardiac arrest yesterday morning and it took them awhile to get a pulse back.  Now he is undergoing therapeutic hypothermia for 24 hours and then they'll start warming him up over a period of 72 hours.  I went over to comfort him last night before he headed to KC today.  He was in rough shape....he isn't ready to say good-bye.  I just pray for his Dad's soul cause, as far as we know, he hasn't practiced any religion (he's technically Catholic) in over 40 years.  I hope he has some sort of relationship with God.  I just pray this is a wake-up call to get his life back on track - no more drinking or smoking and start thinking about facing God someday - and not the end. 

Better...

Well, I told them the reason and they took it fairly well....although they still aren't taking J well.  They asked me to still use websites, etc. to look for other potentials before "throwing in the towel".  Strangely though, they don't want me settling.  So if I look to see who else is out there and don't find anyone....then it is OK to date J?  How is that not settling?  So I am kind of doing both simultaneously since they think we are newly talking to each other.  It kind of makes sense.  Not much out there for guys right now anyway (approximately 2 viable options).  Things are going alright.  I'm still not sure how I feel about everything, but at least the parents and I are talking again.  I'm not churning, currently anyway.  I've taken up more God time....started dropping in on Him in the tabernacle about every other day and went to an extra Mass yesterday....I've been trying to concentrating on doing things one thing at a time and I have peace with that.  I'll be meeting with J's counselor on Tuesday.  I won't be trying to "trick" him into telling me if J's been keeping anything from me, but I do have other things to discuss with him. 

OK, this just sucks!

Well, they've kind of gone off the deep end.  I did not tell them why J was hesitant in December....cause I didn't want to tear my family apart unneccessarily.  How will she react to the fact that it was because of their disapproval of him and their influence in my life.  I did tell Dad the next day because he guessed.  My mom wants me to basically ask his counselor if J is hiding anything from me.  I think that may be illegal.  They also want J to come to them on his own to apologize and answer some tough questions.  The two friends I've told about this agree that this is more likely to make them dislike him more because they are just looking for things to change my mind about him.  I spent much of Tuesday crying...even at work.  I feel torn in two and feel like I'll never be able to make a good decision under this kind of stress.  I haven't heard really anything from Mom since Tuesday.  She's e-mailed me a couple times without the usual "love" written at the end.  I don't even know how to bridge the gap right now.  I'm going to see my spiritual director tonight and I'm sure they'll want an update but I have no desire to talk to them on the phone or even e-mail them as it probably won't be what they want to hear. 

I know I have to set boundaries with them....I'm just scared right now and constantly feeling guilty.  I chant "I'm sorry God" many time each day.  I don't know how to set boundaries except to not talk to them.  I feel very lost.  Plus, I'm trying to respect their wishes and not see J very much while I'm trying to make an objective choice.  That makes this all the harder to go through, but I am tired of feeling paranoid so I will keep my word on that. 

Ok, so it is out now...

The folks have been told that J sent me a few letters and we've had a couple good phone conversations.  They took it as well as could be expected.  They wanted to know why last December happened, and I just said that was private.  I just don't know how they'll take that it was them.  I don't want to tear my own family apart when J and I could still fall apart.  He didn't take their reaction well, although I'm not sure what he expected.  They didn't worry about anything that I didn't already worry about and I think he is worried about that.  He just really doesn't want to lose me again.  I feel like curling up in a ball and retreating from the world.  Love is never easy for me and it is never completely happy.  How am I ever going to get engaged again if I am always questioning myself?  He should be running away from a girl like me, that is all I know.

Update..

So, since I last posted...things have been going alright.  Basically by the time J got back from vacation it was way too close to a 6 day road trip with my folks to tell them.  Then, when we did get back last week Dad had to basically go straight to the hospital for emergency surgery to have his appendix out.  So he was in the hospital 4 days and came home Saturday.  I am seriously considering telling them this weekend if the chance presents itself and Mom seems in a good state of mind.  It is kind of a busy weekend, but I have no real reason to put it off even though I really want to.  Still don't know if J and I are "meant for each other", but perhaps not keeping this big secret will help me sort out my feelings. 

Almost the end...

So it has been about 3 weeks since our last big talk and J still hadn't e-mailed a priest about his concerns regarding papal infallibility.  I asked him about it last weekend and again last night.  When I did it last night he got really defensive and said that it didn't really matter what the priest said anyway.  I responded that I just wanted him to have a good reason for believing what he believed.  I don't even care (I think) if he disagrees with me....as long as there is a good reason behind it because he had thought about it.  I just want him to think about faith matters a little more so that he really knows what he believes.  Last time we had talked about it he said that he didn't have any the classic arguments against it and basically just wasn't used to the idea.  Which is alright, but not a long term reason.  However, last night he said it was more than that and I said I wouldn't bug him anymore.  So he could tell we didn't leave the conversation on a good note last night.

I went to sleep thinking this was God's clear sign to me that we were just in two different places regarding  our faith and that I was just kidding myself that this could work.  I woke up and first yelled at God before getting on with my day.  I thought we were going to break up tonight when he came over.  However, he called apologized for getting defensive last night and said he had already e-mailed the priest.  I told him thanks, that he didn't need to do that, I'm not trying to change him and that it was just God's way of telling me this wasn't going to work.  Well, that led to a 30 minute discussion where I explained that I just wanted a partner that thought about and understood what they believed.  If he wasn't like that....then that was fine....he's still a wonderful guy and a great catch, but not for me.  He said he had been afraid that telling me things differently than what I believe would make me more upset.  To be honest, I don't think it would but since we haven't tried it I can't totally rule it out.  Anyway, we talked our way through it and I explained I had been on the edge regarding us for about a month now, looking for signs and praying pretty darn often about it....and hadn't been getting positive feedback regarding us.  So, unless we actually physically together, I wasn't feeling hopeful about it.  He wants me to talk to him more often about where I'm at.  To be honest, I will try, but he seems happy so I don't like to bring him down.  He seems very positive about us...and that at least gives me hope.  Wish God would give us both the same direction though! 

I know I over analyze things and can tend to focus on the negative.  At least I know this is not a permanent part of my personality in relationships I always gloss over differences until we break up.  It seems after a break-up I have an almost impossible time getting back the positive person I usually am.  I know I'm never truly happy unless I'm planning my future.  When I can't get a clear grasp on the future, living day to day is fine and good, but not great.  Anyway, we'll survive awhile longer.  He offered us not to talk for the week he'll be in GI with his brother....don't know if more alone time is what I need though!   

Moving forward...

So, when we finally got some down time that Saturday, I began by asking if he felt ready to move forward like he wasn't in December.  He said that he basically did except he was kind of waiting to see how everything went with telling the folks.  Understandable, since that is his biggest concern with me is how they can affect me and my moods from time to time.  Then we discussed how he seemed to be getting more into his faith, which while wonderful, didn't bode well for us.  He agreed to rethink how he felt about going to Mass regularly once there are kids.  I also explained to him my recent "discovery" that my faith is my passion in life, until recently I didn't think I even had one.  He was able to relate easily to that since he has such a passion for movies.  He said he'd be happy to attend at least one faith-related event (outside of Mass) a month like he used to....he was just waiting for me to invite him.  That was great to hear!  I also asked straight out what was his current issues with the Catholic church.  He said it was the papal infallibility thing (which I mentioned earlier) and other than that nothing!  He just wanted to feel a call from God to become Catholic and have a real passion for it.  He wants to be able to have to real reason to tell people if/when he converts other than just doing it for me....which is great!  He also agreed to contact a priest friend of ours about the papal infallibility.  This was wonderful to hear....just means I have to continue on with my prayers and back off and let God do his thing!

So I feel alright with where things are right now....not total peace but that is probably cause the folks haven't been told.  I was going to tell them in a couple weeks, since my Dad's 60th b-day and father's day are next weekend and my mom has been in a depression since my aunt passed through.  However, his brother and nephew are visiting from AZ the 25th-3rd....so J asked me to wait until after that.  And I'm traveling with the folks the 21st-26th of July....so telling them 2 weeks before that sounds scary....but I might depending on circumstances....we'll just have to see.  I do love him very much and have been having a great time spending time with him!  It is just so great to have him back in my life.

Confusing as usual

So a friend of mine last week told me if I wasn't getting answers to a bigger question - basically should I marry J or not, that I should concentrate on the smaller things that are bothering me, such as religion.  So I took that to prayer the next night.  And I thought I finally got an answer, because I felt peace when I thought about marrying a Catholic.  However, since this wasn't the answer I really wanted to hear I gave God some time to "change His mind".  I know, silly. 

The next weekend my family and I got most of the landscaping done in my backyard....which I wanted to get done before dropping the bomb.  I want to give them time to process where they don't feel the need to be around me for awhile.  And I thought I finally was going to get that on Memorial Day.  However, my Aunt L from AZ shows up on our doorstep with two of my cousin's kids (ages 7 and 3) out of the blue and hopping mad!  Apparently my Aunt was ticked that we made the trip to see them the past few years without "letting" her come here and this was her punishment to us.  Yes, my grandfather really did do a number on my Mom and her!  Anyway, after staying for 2 days (who does this?!) with two of the most self-centered, obnoxious kids....the drama continues because Mom wants to make sure this never happens again.  So, she has been dwelling on that for an entire week now....crying off and on....a real mess.  I think there could be a real break-down between the sisters.  In fact, Mom asked me if I would be OK if my Aunt and cousin wouldn't be invited to my wedding someday.  I have to admit I have mixed feelings on the subject.  For one thing, my Mom stressed is not fun to be around....so them not being there would decrease the stress level of the situation.  However, they are basically all my family on that side of my family....so I would feel so weird about that!  It is kind of like cutting my extended family in half!  So, anyway.....she is in no position to hear my "bad news".  So it looks like that will be put off until after Dad's 60th b-day now since that is about 12 days away and I don't want to ruin that.  The one plus side is that now we are much closer to the 6 month mark that I originally told my folks that Jared could contact me after....so I don't have to explain how we got back together.  I will obviously be hiding how long we've been seeing each other though.

So, last week I also met with my spiritual director of sorts....she is mostly a relationship director.  We talked about how I had recently "discovered" that my passion in life is my religion.  Not shocking to anyone that knows me....but it has been slowly been becoming more and more a part of my daily life.  2 to 3 nights a week I have activities related to it, I listen to Catholic radio about 50% of the time, began saying a daily rosary 3 months ago, and even occasionally watch EWTN now!  During our discussion we decided that I needed to bring up my doubts to J as soon as possible (I would have done it the weekend before but refer to the last paragraph) and let the chips fall where they may.....I wasn't too optimistic....

How does God fit into all of this?

Well, believe me...I have prayed to God about J and I from the very beginning.  I prayed that God do something drastic, because I'm not very good at picking up on hints.  When J and I broke up, it didn't hurt my faith at all really, but hit my mom more.  I did feel at peace about it though, cause as I said before, I got the same answer from 3 people.  She has been praying for me for this since I was 12....and has felt for a long time that God had failed her.  First with the guy I was engaged to for 6 months 6 years ago, then with J being of the faith he is, and now with God even taking him away from me.  She just didn't understand.  Neither did I to be honest....

Soon after we decided to try to work things out I started a 54 day rosary, for the intention of clear discernment.  Now, this was a big undertaking for me, because I had never been able to even complete a 9 day novena.  I mean, I pray regularly, but apparently those are a stumbling block for me.  I started the day before lent began....which had be ending on Divine Mercy Sunday...quite by accident!  Anyway, I seem to have gotten many things that I would deem as "signs" but got such differing ones that I ended the novena on a very low note.  I felt abandoned to some degree.  Like God's will was that He wouldn't tell me His will.  To be honest until a couple days I've been struggling with that.  I've done all the "right" things to try to discern His will....but it just wasn't clear to me.

While I was in Florida, a friend that I meet with regularly e-mailed me this blog:

http://littlecatholicbubble.blogspot.com/2011/05/catholic-freedom-of-choice-is-freedom.html

 

It discussed how when there is no moral harm to a choice, than you have freedom to decide whichever.  You don't have to agonize over it.  While I knew this already in theory, it was wonderful to read an article that really exponded on it! 

A couple days ago I met with my friend A.  She gave some good suggestions of praying about just parts of the decision.  For example, I have been mostly worried about my kids not being faithful when they grow up because of the mixed messages that they may see at home.  I mean J agreed to go to Mass and raise them Catholic and even believes a lot of the same things that we do.  However, he still wouldn't be going up for Communion and by the time they hit kindergarten I'm sure they'll be asking questions.

So, I brought that to our Lord a couple nights ago.  And was filled with peace when I thought about dating a Catholic instead of J.  So apparently I should break up with him since he hasn't made many moves toward the faith recently.

However, last night I was having a conversation with my guardian angel, whose name I believe to be Timmy.  And during that time I felt very peaceful about J and I working out.  So I am confused now, however, since I'm finally getting some peace from time to time I do feel better overall and am now back to believing that God will lead me and I am more open to both options.

The end of our relationship began at the start....

So, what was the real reason J wasn't ready to move forward in December?  Apparently, he had never dealt with my folks thinking he wasn't a good match for me.  He spent all that time the first year trying to console me and doing things to help bolster his case.  When he started counseling right after we broke up, he figured this out pretty quick.  He rediscovered how much he wants to get married and have kids.  He seems ready to go forward now, pending telling my folks.  I do need to ask him next time I get a chance if he really feels like he's worked through this...because my parents are going to have an even worse opinion of him being a good match for me now!  He's got to be OK with it...otherwise this is all for nothing.

Another reason, was that he felt everything was just moving ahead without him.  Out of the blue last spring I bought a house only after 2 weeks of deciding to do so.  I tried to include him as much as possible, and I could tell he was out of sorts from the beginning of that.  However, I thought we got things sorted out when I reaffirmed that I didn't need help from him to pay the mortgage.  My folks also helped me with the down payment so that my mortgage would be lower.  He took this as them saying that he couldn't help me, so they always would....basically that he couldn't provide - although we weren't even engaged yet.

Then my mom started working on planning the wedding in September....which is when we were starting to have visible problem and had hit a stall.  That didn't help anything.

Why my bf is a "bomb" for my folks

Well, from day 1 they didn't want me to date him.  They were under the false impression that I would only date Catholics.  Dad thought is a convert.  In fact, he didn't convert until 7 years into their marriage!  Yet, they started to freak out when they could tell from the beginning how hard and quickly I was falling for J.  They also didn't like that he only made a little more than me - making it difficult to raise a family on since it is a priority of mine to be a stay at home mom.  And, the final nail in the coffin is the fact that his parents are divorced, which I don't think is much of an issue at all.  He's handled that very well and is the only one of his siblings to have a good relationship with his Dad (has an alcohol problem). 

So, they put off meeting him until we had been dating 3 months making J very anxious.  He had already read (of his own volition) Catholics for Dummies and was going to Mass with me almost every week at that point.  I had told him my parents issues because they made me upset and I also figure the guy I'm dating should know what he is getting into.  Anyway, they liked him a lot - so that was good.  A couple months later though I meet J's dad for the first time....and come to find out when I get back that my mom had been holding out hope that when that happened, I would "come to my senses".  To be honest, J's dad is a bit rough but a nice guy....very opinionated and pessimistic...but not bad really.

After that she drew into her shell for about 2 months.  She wouldn't talk to me on the phone or see me in person.  We would exchange e-mails about once a week arguing about J.  We tried to go to a movie as a family once.....but that was one of the worst, most uncomfortable things I've ever done.  She barely would talk to me and you could tell she was still very depressed and/or angry.  Finally we had to talk because we were scheduled to throw one of my best friends a baby shower.  She seemed pleasant from the get-go...and things went back to normal.  A couple months later she said she had come to peace with it.  After that, they were on the J band wagon and 6 months later even started bugging me about when we were going to get engaged so she could start planning the wedding.

But the damage had been done....  

Reluctant but happy...

So, I didn't want to lose him forever.  He had just helped me through a couple of the hardest weeks in my life, we obviously both missed each other a lot, and I had hoped eventually to get back together with him.  It was hard for any guy to compete with my memory of J.  So I agreed to not see anyone else.  However, I would continue on the dating sites because my parents like to spy on me.  I've learned this from experiences in the past.  When J and I first got together and I took my profiles down - my Dad noticed the first day!  Safe to say, my boundaries with them are horribly over run.  So, I would fake it...and it turns out that I've only seen 2 guys I would have been interested in anyway - the pickings are slim out there!!  The one guy just stopped e-mailing me suddenly too.  This was also because since my parents were just beginning to be stable again, I didn't want to drop this "bomb" on them.  Then they scheduled the family vacation for May for 9 days to Florida.....there was no way I was going to possibly ruin that with this news.  So, we returned from that vacation about a week ago now.  All I'm waiting for is for us to finish my landscaping in my backyard (already in motion) before I tell them.  Hopefully this weekend, so I can tell them next weekend.....not too close to Dad's 60th on June 18th.  At the same time - obviously I am not looking forward to this....so am silently rooting for bad weather so I can put it off longer.  I know - not healthy.

So, we've been seeing each other about once a week and it has been wonderful having J back in my life.  we've had some serious conversations about the future.  He also agreed to read "Rome Sweet Home" by Scott Hahn which I read a handbook on being Lutheran.  We've had short conversations about it each week I'd say.  Also, about mid-April he read a chapter that dealt with papal infallibility and actually did more research on the subject.  We talked about it on and off for a few days.  He thought that it was a good thing we had this belief and didn't have any concrete arguments with it, he just couldn't accept it yet.  He thought perhaps because he didn't grow up with it.  Basically the same way he feels about purgatory. 

Everything has consequences...

We talked daily during the upheaval in my family.  About that situation and what else was going on in my life.  Just when things were looking the darkest....and I was driving home from my discernment class...he called out of the blue.  He calmed me down...and when I arrived at home...he was there...with his arms wide open.  He comforted me with words, hugs, and after a little bit kisses.  I didn't know whether being affectionate was a good thing or not for us....but it was what I needed right then.  We cuddled, talked, and watched TV together....it was amazing the almost magnetic pull I could feel between us.  Eventually he had to leave, it was a work night.  We had crossed a line though...one that I didn't know if I wanted to cross back over or not. 

The situation with my parents finally stabilized a couple weeks later.  By that point they were planning a family vacation for Florida!  Well, I no longer had an excuse to call J on a regular basis.  Neither one of us wanted to stop....however, I wasn't prepared to jump back into us.  I thought I had a few more months at least to discern God's will and figure things out.  I told him I wanted to go back the way we were prior to my folks and that we would revisit us in a few months.  He was OK with this...except he said he couldn't deal with me dating if we were ever to get back together.  He had already put himself through getting OK with that once...he didn't think he could do that again and be able to consider "us" again. 

I don't deserve it so good....

I'm glad he picked up.  I was slightly surprised since it was our old anniversary...so he probably didn't want to talk to me that day of all days.  However, he heard in my voice right away something was wrong.  He listened patiently and kept checking to see how I was doing.  Then he would distract me by talking about things that didn't matter and make me laugh.  The situation with my folks was very tense for 2 weeks....during which J told me to call as much as I need and not to worry about us for the time being, that he didn't expect anything in return.

The Every-10 year craziness

The day after Valentine's Day...which happened to be the date of J and my first date, my Mom calls to tell me that her and Dad are having issues...BIG ones.  According to her, they had never been a good match and it didn't look good for them long-term.  Now, my parents have been married 33 years.  They are very religious....daily Mass, hours of adoration, etc.  However, my mother has never been....I guess the way to put it is consistently emotionally stable.  She allows things that bother her to build up....and then it all comes pouring out due to something that shouldn't cause that sort of reaction.  Growing up, approximately once a year, she would threaten to leave Dad and I.  Usually because we were taking her for granted and not pulling our weight.  She has worked on this over the years...and is much better than she used to be.

Anyway, I found out from Dad what had happened.  He had kept from Mom that his massage therapist for a young, attractive woman.  She knew he was getting massages for his chronic headaches....but assumed it was from an older lady.  Now, my Dad is soooo not the cheating type!  However, this is Mom's biggest push button issue.  10 years before, when I was in college, they almost got a divorce because:

1.  Dad had a female friend
2.  Mom was on some bad menopause meds

And about 10 years before that, when I was in first grade it happened for the first time over a different female friend.  Now, Mom had warned Dad going into marriage that she would be like this....so I guess he was forewarned.  However, he has never had many friends and loves her dearly....so I really don't see the harm.  Plus this past time it was just a professional encounter!

Regardless, since I don't have any siblings I didn't have many people to turn to that know all the background.  It isn't something you just tell everybody!  I gave into myself, and called J....

Strange how life works sometimes....

So, life continued on.  My parents tried to bribe me into happiness by getting me great Christmas gifts since we broke up for the second time the week before Christmas.  Mom even paid for a makeover so I would be ready to re-enter the world of online dating.  She wasn't one to waste anytime....cause you know as a 28 year old, there was no time to waste!  She also pushed me to "get back out there" 3 weeks after the break up.  I put my profile up just to appease her.....but wasn't anywhere near ready to see anybody.  I missed my old bf (let's call him J) so much that I was still cuddling with a giant teddy bear to deal with the loneliness.  We talked for the first time about then....we both obviously were missing the other.  I had sent him an e-mail before he called to try to set up the exchange of stuff that we had accumulated over the course of almost 2 years.  The evening he called, I came so close to calling him.....the urge was so strong.  Once on the phone, he tried to convince me not to date anyone, he understood the separation but didn't want me to see anyone.  I told him that wasn't an option....what was the point of being separated if we weren't open to others? 

We talked a couple of other times before my life was suddenly turned upside-down. 

Intro

So, my situation is a complicated one.....as is probably every one's in this world!  So some fast facts about me:
1. I am a true practicing Catholic....meaning that I actually believe what the church teaches...yes, all of it.  Shocking, I'm sure!
2.  I am also an only child whose parents are very involved in my life.  That has its pluses and minuses.
3.  I approach life in a logical fashion most of the time, as is natural to me as a scientist.
4.  And the final piece to this puzzle is my wonderful boyfriend and my current dilemma.

You see he is great in so many ways.  Our personalities mesh so well.  He is easy-going, very loyal, sweet, loves to spend time with me both on the phone (we live 45 minutes apart, so a lot of time on the phone) and in person.  His faith is also important to him....and therein lies the rub.  He's Lutheran.  He's known since the beginning that I am staunch in my faith and as such, want to raise my/our kids in the Catholic faith.  He is supportive of that and even goes to church with me about 90% of the time.  The first year of our relationship all signs pointed to him converting in the future, so I didn't worry about it a lot.  My Dad converted after being married 7 years, thus why I was open to dating a non-Catholic in the first place.

Then came the second year.  He stopped talking about the future on any sort of regular basis.  Also, he all of a sudden wasn't sure about raising the kids Catholic.  And, he no longer wanted to do RCIA as he agreed to earlier just for learning purposes.  Something was wrong, and I just couldn't figure it out.  We were in a stall.  After a few months he said that he longer had any issues raising the kids Catholic.  However, he just wasn't ready to move forward.  He didn't really have a reason for me.  So, after giving him some time....we broke up.

For about 12 hours as he showed up on my doorstep the next morning.  Begging for another chance.  He was going to go to counseling to work through whatever was holding him back.  Talking about the future, etc.  However, I was churning still....so I went through hell trying to figure out what to do.  I came up with the idea that I had peace about....to tell him that we were breaking up, but if he had things sorted out in 6 months to a year to look me up and see if I was single.  If so, we'd see if we could figure things out.  My mom even presented me with the same idea on her own!  Which I was shocked at, because she usually wouldn't give me an out like that.  She usually assumes that I would hold onto that instead of truly looking for a better match.  Also, I met with my spiritual director....she came up with that on her own too.  Since it came from 3 sources, I felt that was direction from God, and I had peace about it.  It had been about a week by then and basically said I wasn't up for waiting for him to be alright....I felt I would be constantly pressuring him even if I didn't say anything.  Also, I was exhausted from waiting 6 months for him even to get to the point of wanting to work on it.  So, I told him to look me up in 6 months to a year if he felt he had worked through it, and if I was still available....then we would see if we could work things out.  We'll call that chapter 1.