How does God fit into all of this?

Well, believe me...I have prayed to God about J and I from the very beginning.  I prayed that God do something drastic, because I'm not very good at picking up on hints.  When J and I broke up, it didn't hurt my faith at all really, but hit my mom more.  I did feel at peace about it though, cause as I said before, I got the same answer from 3 people.  She has been praying for me for this since I was 12....and has felt for a long time that God had failed her.  First with the guy I was engaged to for 6 months 6 years ago, then with J being of the faith he is, and now with God even taking him away from me.  She just didn't understand.  Neither did I to be honest....

Soon after we decided to try to work things out I started a 54 day rosary, for the intention of clear discernment.  Now, this was a big undertaking for me, because I had never been able to even complete a 9 day novena.  I mean, I pray regularly, but apparently those are a stumbling block for me.  I started the day before lent began....which had be ending on Divine Mercy Sunday...quite by accident!  Anyway, I seem to have gotten many things that I would deem as "signs" but got such differing ones that I ended the novena on a very low note.  I felt abandoned to some degree.  Like God's will was that He wouldn't tell me His will.  To be honest until a couple days I've been struggling with that.  I've done all the "right" things to try to discern His will....but it just wasn't clear to me.

While I was in Florida, a friend that I meet with regularly e-mailed me this blog:

http://littlecatholicbubble.blogspot.com/2011/05/catholic-freedom-of-choice-is-freedom.html

 

It discussed how when there is no moral harm to a choice, than you have freedom to decide whichever.  You don't have to agonize over it.  While I knew this already in theory, it was wonderful to read an article that really exponded on it! 

A couple days ago I met with my friend A.  She gave some good suggestions of praying about just parts of the decision.  For example, I have been mostly worried about my kids not being faithful when they grow up because of the mixed messages that they may see at home.  I mean J agreed to go to Mass and raise them Catholic and even believes a lot of the same things that we do.  However, he still wouldn't be going up for Communion and by the time they hit kindergarten I'm sure they'll be asking questions.

So, I brought that to our Lord a couple nights ago.  And was filled with peace when I thought about dating a Catholic instead of J.  So apparently I should break up with him since he hasn't made many moves toward the faith recently.

However, last night I was having a conversation with my guardian angel, whose name I believe to be Timmy.  And during that time I felt very peaceful about J and I working out.  So I am confused now, however, since I'm finally getting some peace from time to time I do feel better overall and am now back to believing that God will lead me and I am more open to both options.

The end of our relationship began at the start....

So, what was the real reason J wasn't ready to move forward in December?  Apparently, he had never dealt with my folks thinking he wasn't a good match for me.  He spent all that time the first year trying to console me and doing things to help bolster his case.  When he started counseling right after we broke up, he figured this out pretty quick.  He rediscovered how much he wants to get married and have kids.  He seems ready to go forward now, pending telling my folks.  I do need to ask him next time I get a chance if he really feels like he's worked through this...because my parents are going to have an even worse opinion of him being a good match for me now!  He's got to be OK with it...otherwise this is all for nothing.

Another reason, was that he felt everything was just moving ahead without him.  Out of the blue last spring I bought a house only after 2 weeks of deciding to do so.  I tried to include him as much as possible, and I could tell he was out of sorts from the beginning of that.  However, I thought we got things sorted out when I reaffirmed that I didn't need help from him to pay the mortgage.  My folks also helped me with the down payment so that my mortgage would be lower.  He took this as them saying that he couldn't help me, so they always would....basically that he couldn't provide - although we weren't even engaged yet.

Then my mom started working on planning the wedding in September....which is when we were starting to have visible problem and had hit a stall.  That didn't help anything.

Why my bf is a "bomb" for my folks

Well, from day 1 they didn't want me to date him.  They were under the false impression that I would only date Catholics.  Dad thought is a convert.  In fact, he didn't convert until 7 years into their marriage!  Yet, they started to freak out when they could tell from the beginning how hard and quickly I was falling for J.  They also didn't like that he only made a little more than me - making it difficult to raise a family on since it is a priority of mine to be a stay at home mom.  And, the final nail in the coffin is the fact that his parents are divorced, which I don't think is much of an issue at all.  He's handled that very well and is the only one of his siblings to have a good relationship with his Dad (has an alcohol problem). 

So, they put off meeting him until we had been dating 3 months making J very anxious.  He had already read (of his own volition) Catholics for Dummies and was going to Mass with me almost every week at that point.  I had told him my parents issues because they made me upset and I also figure the guy I'm dating should know what he is getting into.  Anyway, they liked him a lot - so that was good.  A couple months later though I meet J's dad for the first time....and come to find out when I get back that my mom had been holding out hope that when that happened, I would "come to my senses".  To be honest, J's dad is a bit rough but a nice guy....very opinionated and pessimistic...but not bad really.

After that she drew into her shell for about 2 months.  She wouldn't talk to me on the phone or see me in person.  We would exchange e-mails about once a week arguing about J.  We tried to go to a movie as a family once.....but that was one of the worst, most uncomfortable things I've ever done.  She barely would talk to me and you could tell she was still very depressed and/or angry.  Finally we had to talk because we were scheduled to throw one of my best friends a baby shower.  She seemed pleasant from the get-go...and things went back to normal.  A couple months later she said she had come to peace with it.  After that, they were on the J band wagon and 6 months later even started bugging me about when we were going to get engaged so she could start planning the wedding.

But the damage had been done....  

Reluctant but happy...

So, I didn't want to lose him forever.  He had just helped me through a couple of the hardest weeks in my life, we obviously both missed each other a lot, and I had hoped eventually to get back together with him.  It was hard for any guy to compete with my memory of J.  So I agreed to not see anyone else.  However, I would continue on the dating sites because my parents like to spy on me.  I've learned this from experiences in the past.  When J and I first got together and I took my profiles down - my Dad noticed the first day!  Safe to say, my boundaries with them are horribly over run.  So, I would fake it...and it turns out that I've only seen 2 guys I would have been interested in anyway - the pickings are slim out there!!  The one guy just stopped e-mailing me suddenly too.  This was also because since my parents were just beginning to be stable again, I didn't want to drop this "bomb" on them.  Then they scheduled the family vacation for May for 9 days to Florida.....there was no way I was going to possibly ruin that with this news.  So, we returned from that vacation about a week ago now.  All I'm waiting for is for us to finish my landscaping in my backyard (already in motion) before I tell them.  Hopefully this weekend, so I can tell them next weekend.....not too close to Dad's 60th on June 18th.  At the same time - obviously I am not looking forward to this....so am silently rooting for bad weather so I can put it off longer.  I know - not healthy.

So, we've been seeing each other about once a week and it has been wonderful having J back in my life.  we've had some serious conversations about the future.  He also agreed to read "Rome Sweet Home" by Scott Hahn which I read a handbook on being Lutheran.  We've had short conversations about it each week I'd say.  Also, about mid-April he read a chapter that dealt with papal infallibility and actually did more research on the subject.  We talked about it on and off for a few days.  He thought that it was a good thing we had this belief and didn't have any concrete arguments with it, he just couldn't accept it yet.  He thought perhaps because he didn't grow up with it.  Basically the same way he feels about purgatory. 

Everything has consequences...

We talked daily during the upheaval in my family.  About that situation and what else was going on in my life.  Just when things were looking the darkest....and I was driving home from my discernment class...he called out of the blue.  He calmed me down...and when I arrived at home...he was there...with his arms wide open.  He comforted me with words, hugs, and after a little bit kisses.  I didn't know whether being affectionate was a good thing or not for us....but it was what I needed right then.  We cuddled, talked, and watched TV together....it was amazing the almost magnetic pull I could feel between us.  Eventually he had to leave, it was a work night.  We had crossed a line though...one that I didn't know if I wanted to cross back over or not. 

The situation with my parents finally stabilized a couple weeks later.  By that point they were planning a family vacation for Florida!  Well, I no longer had an excuse to call J on a regular basis.  Neither one of us wanted to stop....however, I wasn't prepared to jump back into us.  I thought I had a few more months at least to discern God's will and figure things out.  I told him I wanted to go back the way we were prior to my folks and that we would revisit us in a few months.  He was OK with this...except he said he couldn't deal with me dating if we were ever to get back together.  He had already put himself through getting OK with that once...he didn't think he could do that again and be able to consider "us" again. 

I don't deserve it so good....

I'm glad he picked up.  I was slightly surprised since it was our old anniversary...so he probably didn't want to talk to me that day of all days.  However, he heard in my voice right away something was wrong.  He listened patiently and kept checking to see how I was doing.  Then he would distract me by talking about things that didn't matter and make me laugh.  The situation with my folks was very tense for 2 weeks....during which J told me to call as much as I need and not to worry about us for the time being, that he didn't expect anything in return.

The Every-10 year craziness

The day after Valentine's Day...which happened to be the date of J and my first date, my Mom calls to tell me that her and Dad are having issues...BIG ones.  According to her, they had never been a good match and it didn't look good for them long-term.  Now, my parents have been married 33 years.  They are very religious....daily Mass, hours of adoration, etc.  However, my mother has never been....I guess the way to put it is consistently emotionally stable.  She allows things that bother her to build up....and then it all comes pouring out due to something that shouldn't cause that sort of reaction.  Growing up, approximately once a year, she would threaten to leave Dad and I.  Usually because we were taking her for granted and not pulling our weight.  She has worked on this over the years...and is much better than she used to be.

Anyway, I found out from Dad what had happened.  He had kept from Mom that his massage therapist for a young, attractive woman.  She knew he was getting massages for his chronic headaches....but assumed it was from an older lady.  Now, my Dad is soooo not the cheating type!  However, this is Mom's biggest push button issue.  10 years before, when I was in college, they almost got a divorce because:

1.  Dad had a female friend
2.  Mom was on some bad menopause meds

And about 10 years before that, when I was in first grade it happened for the first time over a different female friend.  Now, Mom had warned Dad going into marriage that she would be like this....so I guess he was forewarned.  However, he has never had many friends and loves her dearly....so I really don't see the harm.  Plus this past time it was just a professional encounter!

Regardless, since I don't have any siblings I didn't have many people to turn to that know all the background.  It isn't something you just tell everybody!  I gave into myself, and called J....

Strange how life works sometimes....

So, life continued on.  My parents tried to bribe me into happiness by getting me great Christmas gifts since we broke up for the second time the week before Christmas.  Mom even paid for a makeover so I would be ready to re-enter the world of online dating.  She wasn't one to waste anytime....cause you know as a 28 year old, there was no time to waste!  She also pushed me to "get back out there" 3 weeks after the break up.  I put my profile up just to appease her.....but wasn't anywhere near ready to see anybody.  I missed my old bf (let's call him J) so much that I was still cuddling with a giant teddy bear to deal with the loneliness.  We talked for the first time about then....we both obviously were missing the other.  I had sent him an e-mail before he called to try to set up the exchange of stuff that we had accumulated over the course of almost 2 years.  The evening he called, I came so close to calling him.....the urge was so strong.  Once on the phone, he tried to convince me not to date anyone, he understood the separation but didn't want me to see anyone.  I told him that wasn't an option....what was the point of being separated if we weren't open to others? 

We talked a couple of other times before my life was suddenly turned upside-down. 

Intro

So, my situation is a complicated one.....as is probably every one's in this world!  So some fast facts about me:
1. I am a true practicing Catholic....meaning that I actually believe what the church teaches...yes, all of it.  Shocking, I'm sure!
2.  I am also an only child whose parents are very involved in my life.  That has its pluses and minuses.
3.  I approach life in a logical fashion most of the time, as is natural to me as a scientist.
4.  And the final piece to this puzzle is my wonderful boyfriend and my current dilemma.

You see he is great in so many ways.  Our personalities mesh so well.  He is easy-going, very loyal, sweet, loves to spend time with me both on the phone (we live 45 minutes apart, so a lot of time on the phone) and in person.  His faith is also important to him....and therein lies the rub.  He's Lutheran.  He's known since the beginning that I am staunch in my faith and as such, want to raise my/our kids in the Catholic faith.  He is supportive of that and even goes to church with me about 90% of the time.  The first year of our relationship all signs pointed to him converting in the future, so I didn't worry about it a lot.  My Dad converted after being married 7 years, thus why I was open to dating a non-Catholic in the first place.

Then came the second year.  He stopped talking about the future on any sort of regular basis.  Also, he all of a sudden wasn't sure about raising the kids Catholic.  And, he no longer wanted to do RCIA as he agreed to earlier just for learning purposes.  Something was wrong, and I just couldn't figure it out.  We were in a stall.  After a few months he said that he longer had any issues raising the kids Catholic.  However, he just wasn't ready to move forward.  He didn't really have a reason for me.  So, after giving him some time....we broke up.

For about 12 hours as he showed up on my doorstep the next morning.  Begging for another chance.  He was going to go to counseling to work through whatever was holding him back.  Talking about the future, etc.  However, I was churning still....so I went through hell trying to figure out what to do.  I came up with the idea that I had peace about....to tell him that we were breaking up, but if he had things sorted out in 6 months to a year to look me up and see if I was single.  If so, we'd see if we could figure things out.  My mom even presented me with the same idea on her own!  Which I was shocked at, because she usually wouldn't give me an out like that.  She usually assumes that I would hold onto that instead of truly looking for a better match.  Also, I met with my spiritual director....she came up with that on her own too.  Since it came from 3 sources, I felt that was direction from God, and I had peace about it.  It had been about a week by then and basically said I wasn't up for waiting for him to be alright....I felt I would be constantly pressuring him even if I didn't say anything.  Also, I was exhausted from waiting 6 months for him even to get to the point of wanting to work on it.  So, I told him to look me up in 6 months to a year if he felt he had worked through it, and if I was still available....then we would see if we could work things out.  We'll call that chapter 1.