Almost the end...

So it has been about 3 weeks since our last big talk and J still hadn't e-mailed a priest about his concerns regarding papal infallibility.  I asked him about it last weekend and again last night.  When I did it last night he got really defensive and said that it didn't really matter what the priest said anyway.  I responded that I just wanted him to have a good reason for believing what he believed.  I don't even care (I think) if he disagrees with me....as long as there is a good reason behind it because he had thought about it.  I just want him to think about faith matters a little more so that he really knows what he believes.  Last time we had talked about it he said that he didn't have any the classic arguments against it and basically just wasn't used to the idea.  Which is alright, but not a long term reason.  However, last night he said it was more than that and I said I wouldn't bug him anymore.  So he could tell we didn't leave the conversation on a good note last night.

I went to sleep thinking this was God's clear sign to me that we were just in two different places regarding  our faith and that I was just kidding myself that this could work.  I woke up and first yelled at God before getting on with my day.  I thought we were going to break up tonight when he came over.  However, he called apologized for getting defensive last night and said he had already e-mailed the priest.  I told him thanks, that he didn't need to do that, I'm not trying to change him and that it was just God's way of telling me this wasn't going to work.  Well, that led to a 30 minute discussion where I explained that I just wanted a partner that thought about and understood what they believed.  If he wasn't like that....then that was fine....he's still a wonderful guy and a great catch, but not for me.  He said he had been afraid that telling me things differently than what I believe would make me more upset.  To be honest, I don't think it would but since we haven't tried it I can't totally rule it out.  Anyway, we talked our way through it and I explained I had been on the edge regarding us for about a month now, looking for signs and praying pretty darn often about it....and hadn't been getting positive feedback regarding us.  So, unless we actually physically together, I wasn't feeling hopeful about it.  He wants me to talk to him more often about where I'm at.  To be honest, I will try, but he seems happy so I don't like to bring him down.  He seems very positive about us...and that at least gives me hope.  Wish God would give us both the same direction though! 

I know I over analyze things and can tend to focus on the negative.  At least I know this is not a permanent part of my personality in relationships I always gloss over differences until we break up.  It seems after a break-up I have an almost impossible time getting back the positive person I usually am.  I know I'm never truly happy unless I'm planning my future.  When I can't get a clear grasp on the future, living day to day is fine and good, but not great.  Anyway, we'll survive awhile longer.  He offered us not to talk for the week he'll be in GI with his brother....don't know if more alone time is what I need though!   

Moving forward...

So, when we finally got some down time that Saturday, I began by asking if he felt ready to move forward like he wasn't in December.  He said that he basically did except he was kind of waiting to see how everything went with telling the folks.  Understandable, since that is his biggest concern with me is how they can affect me and my moods from time to time.  Then we discussed how he seemed to be getting more into his faith, which while wonderful, didn't bode well for us.  He agreed to rethink how he felt about going to Mass regularly once there are kids.  I also explained to him my recent "discovery" that my faith is my passion in life, until recently I didn't think I even had one.  He was able to relate easily to that since he has such a passion for movies.  He said he'd be happy to attend at least one faith-related event (outside of Mass) a month like he used to....he was just waiting for me to invite him.  That was great to hear!  I also asked straight out what was his current issues with the Catholic church.  He said it was the papal infallibility thing (which I mentioned earlier) and other than that nothing!  He just wanted to feel a call from God to become Catholic and have a real passion for it.  He wants to be able to have to real reason to tell people if/when he converts other than just doing it for me....which is great!  He also agreed to contact a priest friend of ours about the papal infallibility.  This was wonderful to hear....just means I have to continue on with my prayers and back off and let God do his thing!

So I feel alright with where things are right now....not total peace but that is probably cause the folks haven't been told.  I was going to tell them in a couple weeks, since my Dad's 60th b-day and father's day are next weekend and my mom has been in a depression since my aunt passed through.  However, his brother and nephew are visiting from AZ the 25th-3rd....so J asked me to wait until after that.  And I'm traveling with the folks the 21st-26th of July....so telling them 2 weeks before that sounds scary....but I might depending on circumstances....we'll just have to see.  I do love him very much and have been having a great time spending time with him!  It is just so great to have him back in my life.

Confusing as usual

So a friend of mine last week told me if I wasn't getting answers to a bigger question - basically should I marry J or not, that I should concentrate on the smaller things that are bothering me, such as religion.  So I took that to prayer the next night.  And I thought I finally got an answer, because I felt peace when I thought about marrying a Catholic.  However, since this wasn't the answer I really wanted to hear I gave God some time to "change His mind".  I know, silly. 

The next weekend my family and I got most of the landscaping done in my backyard....which I wanted to get done before dropping the bomb.  I want to give them time to process where they don't feel the need to be around me for awhile.  And I thought I finally was going to get that on Memorial Day.  However, my Aunt L from AZ shows up on our doorstep with two of my cousin's kids (ages 7 and 3) out of the blue and hopping mad!  Apparently my Aunt was ticked that we made the trip to see them the past few years without "letting" her come here and this was her punishment to us.  Yes, my grandfather really did do a number on my Mom and her!  Anyway, after staying for 2 days (who does this?!) with two of the most self-centered, obnoxious kids....the drama continues because Mom wants to make sure this never happens again.  So, she has been dwelling on that for an entire week now....crying off and on....a real mess.  I think there could be a real break-down between the sisters.  In fact, Mom asked me if I would be OK if my Aunt and cousin wouldn't be invited to my wedding someday.  I have to admit I have mixed feelings on the subject.  For one thing, my Mom stressed is not fun to be around....so them not being there would decrease the stress level of the situation.  However, they are basically all my family on that side of my family....so I would feel so weird about that!  It is kind of like cutting my extended family in half!  So, anyway.....she is in no position to hear my "bad news".  So it looks like that will be put off until after Dad's 60th b-day now since that is about 12 days away and I don't want to ruin that.  The one plus side is that now we are much closer to the 6 month mark that I originally told my folks that Jared could contact me after....so I don't have to explain how we got back together.  I will obviously be hiding how long we've been seeing each other though.

So, last week I also met with my spiritual director of sorts....she is mostly a relationship director.  We talked about how I had recently "discovered" that my passion in life is my religion.  Not shocking to anyone that knows me....but it has been slowly been becoming more and more a part of my daily life.  2 to 3 nights a week I have activities related to it, I listen to Catholic radio about 50% of the time, began saying a daily rosary 3 months ago, and even occasionally watch EWTN now!  During our discussion we decided that I needed to bring up my doubts to J as soon as possible (I would have done it the weekend before but refer to the last paragraph) and let the chips fall where they may.....I wasn't too optimistic....