Almost the end...

So it has been about 3 weeks since our last big talk and J still hadn't e-mailed a priest about his concerns regarding papal infallibility.  I asked him about it last weekend and again last night.  When I did it last night he got really defensive and said that it didn't really matter what the priest said anyway.  I responded that I just wanted him to have a good reason for believing what he believed.  I don't even care (I think) if he disagrees with me....as long as there is a good reason behind it because he had thought about it.  I just want him to think about faith matters a little more so that he really knows what he believes.  Last time we had talked about it he said that he didn't have any the classic arguments against it and basically just wasn't used to the idea.  Which is alright, but not a long term reason.  However, last night he said it was more than that and I said I wouldn't bug him anymore.  So he could tell we didn't leave the conversation on a good note last night.

I went to sleep thinking this was God's clear sign to me that we were just in two different places regarding  our faith and that I was just kidding myself that this could work.  I woke up and first yelled at God before getting on with my day.  I thought we were going to break up tonight when he came over.  However, he called apologized for getting defensive last night and said he had already e-mailed the priest.  I told him thanks, that he didn't need to do that, I'm not trying to change him and that it was just God's way of telling me this wasn't going to work.  Well, that led to a 30 minute discussion where I explained that I just wanted a partner that thought about and understood what they believed.  If he wasn't like that....then that was fine....he's still a wonderful guy and a great catch, but not for me.  He said he had been afraid that telling me things differently than what I believe would make me more upset.  To be honest, I don't think it would but since we haven't tried it I can't totally rule it out.  Anyway, we talked our way through it and I explained I had been on the edge regarding us for about a month now, looking for signs and praying pretty darn often about it....and hadn't been getting positive feedback regarding us.  So, unless we actually physically together, I wasn't feeling hopeful about it.  He wants me to talk to him more often about where I'm at.  To be honest, I will try, but he seems happy so I don't like to bring him down.  He seems very positive about us...and that at least gives me hope.  Wish God would give us both the same direction though! 

I know I over analyze things and can tend to focus on the negative.  At least I know this is not a permanent part of my personality in relationships I always gloss over differences until we break up.  It seems after a break-up I have an almost impossible time getting back the positive person I usually am.  I know I'm never truly happy unless I'm planning my future.  When I can't get a clear grasp on the future, living day to day is fine and good, but not great.  Anyway, we'll survive awhile longer.  He offered us not to talk for the week he'll be in GI with his brother....don't know if more alone time is what I need though!