Engaged!!!

We got engaged on October 20th at Notre Dame!!!  We were there for a football game.  We were walking around campus because he said a co-worker wanted him to get pictures of the Basilica, grotto, etc.  We were going to those places and they were all very crowded.  He kept asking what different buildings and statues were, I thought he was just being extra curious.  So we were walking around the Dome because he said he wanted a side shot.  I thought that was weird, but he does some photography...so I thought he was just being especially artsy about it.  When we got in front of St. Ed's, he got down on one knee.  He said, "I can think of no better place to ask you to go on this wild ride of life with me.  Will you, officially, Elizabeth Briana K... agree to be my wife and marry me?"  At first I could only nod and then remembered to say yes!  We got some clapping but I was too distracted to notice!  I had to have him repeat his proposal a few minutes later because I had totally forgotten it!  We got some great pictures and I am so happy!  Hopefully we'll have the date soon.  We have the priest we want which is the most important thing!!!

Ready, pretty sure!

Things are going very well....I finally feel at peace with giving a "yes"!  Which is good because I'm pretty sure he has bought a ring.  Last weekend when I tried to make an "amendment" to my ring request...he started acting all weird.  Btw, my request is for a three stone arrangement diamond in the middle and sapphires on the outside.  I wanted to change the shape of the outer stones from round to I think a pearl shape.  Anyway, I really think I'm ready now.  We've been reading (very slowly) together this book by Gary Chapman called "Things I Wish I Knew Before I Got Married".  It has  short chapters ending with really great questions.  Last night we discussed what failures we had shared with each other and what we had left to share.  We ended up talking about the sins that plague us the most and our hopes for the future.  It was hard, but so rewarding!!  Those sorts of talks make me feel really close to him.  All I have to do is tell my folks I'm ready so they can get used to the idea.  I might also still meet with that priest that my folks wanted me to consider back in April.  We'll see if he even remembers my folks talking to him about us!

Too Good to Leave or Too Bad to Stay a lifesaver!

I'm feeling better these days.  I'm reading a book right now that is right up my alley!  It is called Too Good to Leave or Too Bad to Stay.  It spends time talking about spending time in relationship ambivalence is very detrimental to your decision making ability.  You just keep doubting yourself and doubting yourself.  Just digging yourself deeper.  This book has a step by step guide to go through and really figure out what are deal breakers for you and give you peace about your decision to either go all in or pull out. 

Better

So, I'm no longer panicking, I am trying to rest in God's assurance that no one that says a daily rosary will be led astray.  J and I had a great conversation last night, at which point I did mention that my parents were not prepared for an engagement yet, and he just nodded....so I don't think he has any immediate plans <whew>. 
I guess one of the big areas where we don't quite see eye to eye is same sex "marriage".  He thinks as long as it doesn't affect him, then no big deal...let them have it.  He agrees with teaching children that homosexual acts are wrong, so I think as long as we are on the same page there....we should be ok?!  I just am horrible at explaining why there are other reasons besides biblical to be against it.

Also, we discussed baby names last night, which we often do.  He put out there the possibility of Michael as a middle name.  That is his dad's name.  He wants the children to feel connected to him despite him already having died.  I understand that, however, to be honest, the man was not a good role-model.  He drank until his time of death, was living with a woman for many years with no intention of marrying, left the kids in a mess because of that situation when he died since there was no current will, never visited any of the kids....and I don't know if he ever regretted leaving the family the way he did.  I see naming a child after someone as a huge honor and compliment...you basically saying, "I want you to grow up to be like them."  Plus, my folks would probably freak at being left out and their lives being more along the straight and narrow.  He just wants me to think about it....but I don't know if I would be ever OK with that. 

My prayer life has been very good, although I skipped the past two days....weekends are so hard!!  I feel I'll figure it out here soon though!

Panic

So....J made a move towards engagement last night.  He asked what things I'd like in a ring.  Now, as I've known this forever, I was able to rattle off my preferences pretty quickly.  Silver color metal, three stones, one diamond, two sapphires, round cut.  Otherwise, his decision.

However, this caused me to toss and turn much of the night and still has me in a panic.  It means it is truly getting close, and I STILL don't know.  I'm so frustrated.  It is go time!  I started two novenas last night and probably will start a third one tonight.  I bought a couple books online that I'd like to read on the subject and have a couple at home that I've been avoiding.  I think maybe God is leading me towards a no....but I'm having a hard time excepting that when I have nothing to tell J other than "it just doesn't feel right"!  After 3 years, that doesn't feel like enough.  Especially when I want it to be him.  I dream of him being the father to my children, he'd be such a good father.  I think if he were Catholic, I wouldn't have any qualms....as it is...I still worry about that even though I know he is ready to raise the kids Catholic, go to Mass, and teach them Catholic principles.  He supports me in my faith, even though I am an over the top Catholic!  What more could I want?!

I think the money part is sorted out enough for me.  I guess my only main concern left is health insurance independently once I'm off of it here at the med center.  That and he doesn't seem to like his job very much any more.  So, he could be switching...possibly to Omaha where Catholic schools are much more expensive as well as cost of living.

<Sigh>  I can do this with God' help, I know I can....

Living life

So I've been praying another rosary novena.  It is one of those 54 day deals, so I'm almost through and I do feel more confident about marrying J.  However, I still self-doubt myself on a daily basis.  What if I just want to "get started with life" and J is my best friend and we've talked about everything so....why not?  I think I concentrate on being "sure" too much.  Meanwhile, he has been sure forever!  We have talked about some good things this month, we are going to begin praying before meals together (learn each other's prayers and switch off).  We discussed our picture for ourselves when we are older...and he also sees going to church more often, not everyday but not just on Sundays.  He has been extremely supportive of me too when I've been sick this month. 

In other news....we are still waiting for the trial to be over.  The judge took over a MONTH to rule in favor of J and the other kids the first time.  The judge ruled that Kathy was not common law wife!  Yeh!  Now Kathy (J's dad's gf) is asking for reconsideration.  Then, after that, she could file an appeal within 28 days.  This has been going on so long that the lawyer bills are at 1/7 of the entire inheritance.  But we could all use the money if/when the suit is won.  It just is a matter of patience, it should come out OK in the end.

Getting back to business

So....I've taken a break recently from actively trying to discern God's will for J and me.  I finished a rosary novena for peace with my folks after I told them J and I were dating again and we all went through the subsequent turmoil.  Overall, their recovery was a lot quicker than I thought!  Since then, well since the last week of May, we have been waiting for the slowest judge on earth to come to a verdict on whether J's dad's live-in-girlfriend was a common law wife, and thus entitled to a large chunk of the inheritance.  He said he'd have the verdict to them in 4 days.....we just passed the month mark!!!  It is insane.  So I had been waiting on that to start the final push on discernment because I felt my prayers right now are split.  Finally last Tuesday I began a rosary novena.  I've tried several times (about once a week) to start one over the past month, always missing days and then giving up.  I have made it a week now...so I'm going to keep to it and hopefully I'll finally find peace by the end of it!