J's Bad News

His Dad suffered a cardiac arrest yesterday morning and it took them awhile to get a pulse back.  Now he is undergoing therapeutic hypothermia for 24 hours and then they'll start warming him up over a period of 72 hours.  I went over to comfort him last night before he headed to KC today.  He was in rough shape....he isn't ready to say good-bye.  I just pray for his Dad's soul cause, as far as we know, he hasn't practiced any religion (he's technically Catholic) in over 40 years.  I hope he has some sort of relationship with God.  I just pray this is a wake-up call to get his life back on track - no more drinking or smoking and start thinking about facing God someday - and not the end. 

Better...

Well, I told them the reason and they took it fairly well....although they still aren't taking J well.  They asked me to still use websites, etc. to look for other potentials before "throwing in the towel".  Strangely though, they don't want me settling.  So if I look to see who else is out there and don't find anyone....then it is OK to date J?  How is that not settling?  So I am kind of doing both simultaneously since they think we are newly talking to each other.  It kind of makes sense.  Not much out there for guys right now anyway (approximately 2 viable options).  Things are going alright.  I'm still not sure how I feel about everything, but at least the parents and I are talking again.  I'm not churning, currently anyway.  I've taken up more God time....started dropping in on Him in the tabernacle about every other day and went to an extra Mass yesterday....I've been trying to concentrating on doing things one thing at a time and I have peace with that.  I'll be meeting with J's counselor on Tuesday.  I won't be trying to "trick" him into telling me if J's been keeping anything from me, but I do have other things to discuss with him. 

OK, this just sucks!

Well, they've kind of gone off the deep end.  I did not tell them why J was hesitant in December....cause I didn't want to tear my family apart unneccessarily.  How will she react to the fact that it was because of their disapproval of him and their influence in my life.  I did tell Dad the next day because he guessed.  My mom wants me to basically ask his counselor if J is hiding anything from me.  I think that may be illegal.  They also want J to come to them on his own to apologize and answer some tough questions.  The two friends I've told about this agree that this is more likely to make them dislike him more because they are just looking for things to change my mind about him.  I spent much of Tuesday crying...even at work.  I feel torn in two and feel like I'll never be able to make a good decision under this kind of stress.  I haven't heard really anything from Mom since Tuesday.  She's e-mailed me a couple times without the usual "love" written at the end.  I don't even know how to bridge the gap right now.  I'm going to see my spiritual director tonight and I'm sure they'll want an update but I have no desire to talk to them on the phone or even e-mail them as it probably won't be what they want to hear. 

I know I have to set boundaries with them....I'm just scared right now and constantly feeling guilty.  I chant "I'm sorry God" many time each day.  I don't know how to set boundaries except to not talk to them.  I feel very lost.  Plus, I'm trying to respect their wishes and not see J very much while I'm trying to make an objective choice.  That makes this all the harder to go through, but I am tired of feeling paranoid so I will keep my word on that. 

Ok, so it is out now...

The folks have been told that J sent me a few letters and we've had a couple good phone conversations.  They took it as well as could be expected.  They wanted to know why last December happened, and I just said that was private.  I just don't know how they'll take that it was them.  I don't want to tear my own family apart when J and I could still fall apart.  He didn't take their reaction well, although I'm not sure what he expected.  They didn't worry about anything that I didn't already worry about and I think he is worried about that.  He just really doesn't want to lose me again.  I feel like curling up in a ball and retreating from the world.  Love is never easy for me and it is never completely happy.  How am I ever going to get engaged again if I am always questioning myself?  He should be running away from a girl like me, that is all I know.

Update..

So, since I last posted...things have been going alright.  Basically by the time J got back from vacation it was way too close to a 6 day road trip with my folks to tell them.  Then, when we did get back last week Dad had to basically go straight to the hospital for emergency surgery to have his appendix out.  So he was in the hospital 4 days and came home Saturday.  I am seriously considering telling them this weekend if the chance presents itself and Mom seems in a good state of mind.  It is kind of a busy weekend, but I have no real reason to put it off even though I really want to.  Still don't know if J and I are "meant for each other", but perhaps not keeping this big secret will help me sort out my feelings.