Better

So, I'm no longer panicking, I am trying to rest in God's assurance that no one that says a daily rosary will be led astray.  J and I had a great conversation last night, at which point I did mention that my parents were not prepared for an engagement yet, and he just nodded....so I don't think he has any immediate plans <whew>. 
I guess one of the big areas where we don't quite see eye to eye is same sex "marriage".  He thinks as long as it doesn't affect him, then no big deal...let them have it.  He agrees with teaching children that homosexual acts are wrong, so I think as long as we are on the same page there....we should be ok?!  I just am horrible at explaining why there are other reasons besides biblical to be against it.

Also, we discussed baby names last night, which we often do.  He put out there the possibility of Michael as a middle name.  That is his dad's name.  He wants the children to feel connected to him despite him already having died.  I understand that, however, to be honest, the man was not a good role-model.  He drank until his time of death, was living with a woman for many years with no intention of marrying, left the kids in a mess because of that situation when he died since there was no current will, never visited any of the kids....and I don't know if he ever regretted leaving the family the way he did.  I see naming a child after someone as a huge honor and compliment...you basically saying, "I want you to grow up to be like them."  Plus, my folks would probably freak at being left out and their lives being more along the straight and narrow.  He just wants me to think about it....but I don't know if I would be ever OK with that. 

My prayer life has been very good, although I skipped the past two days....weekends are so hard!!  I feel I'll figure it out here soon though!

Panic

So....J made a move towards engagement last night.  He asked what things I'd like in a ring.  Now, as I've known this forever, I was able to rattle off my preferences pretty quickly.  Silver color metal, three stones, one diamond, two sapphires, round cut.  Otherwise, his decision.

However, this caused me to toss and turn much of the night and still has me in a panic.  It means it is truly getting close, and I STILL don't know.  I'm so frustrated.  It is go time!  I started two novenas last night and probably will start a third one tonight.  I bought a couple books online that I'd like to read on the subject and have a couple at home that I've been avoiding.  I think maybe God is leading me towards a no....but I'm having a hard time excepting that when I have nothing to tell J other than "it just doesn't feel right"!  After 3 years, that doesn't feel like enough.  Especially when I want it to be him.  I dream of him being the father to my children, he'd be such a good father.  I think if he were Catholic, I wouldn't have any qualms....as it is...I still worry about that even though I know he is ready to raise the kids Catholic, go to Mass, and teach them Catholic principles.  He supports me in my faith, even though I am an over the top Catholic!  What more could I want?!

I think the money part is sorted out enough for me.  I guess my only main concern left is health insurance independently once I'm off of it here at the med center.  That and he doesn't seem to like his job very much any more.  So, he could be switching...possibly to Omaha where Catholic schools are much more expensive as well as cost of living.

<Sigh>  I can do this with God' help, I know I can....