Panic

So....J made a move towards engagement last night.  He asked what things I'd like in a ring.  Now, as I've known this forever, I was able to rattle off my preferences pretty quickly.  Silver color metal, three stones, one diamond, two sapphires, round cut.  Otherwise, his decision.

However, this caused me to toss and turn much of the night and still has me in a panic.  It means it is truly getting close, and I STILL don't know.  I'm so frustrated.  It is go time!  I started two novenas last night and probably will start a third one tonight.  I bought a couple books online that I'd like to read on the subject and have a couple at home that I've been avoiding.  I think maybe God is leading me towards a no....but I'm having a hard time excepting that when I have nothing to tell J other than "it just doesn't feel right"!  After 3 years, that doesn't feel like enough.  Especially when I want it to be him.  I dream of him being the father to my children, he'd be such a good father.  I think if he were Catholic, I wouldn't have any qualms....as it is...I still worry about that even though I know he is ready to raise the kids Catholic, go to Mass, and teach them Catholic principles.  He supports me in my faith, even though I am an over the top Catholic!  What more could I want?!

I think the money part is sorted out enough for me.  I guess my only main concern left is health insurance independently once I'm off of it here at the med center.  That and he doesn't seem to like his job very much any more.  So, he could be switching...possibly to Omaha where Catholic schools are much more expensive as well as cost of living.

<Sigh>  I can do this with God' help, I know I can....